It’s one of those nights where I notice how much of my life ive lost. I figured out that a thought, which you think about (obviously) is nothing until you some how get it known by speaking, writing, texting, or somehow communicating that thought, feeling, or persepective. And I’ve realized that, no one in this world truly knows me. No one understands why I do things, granted half the time i don’t either, but there is some sort of thought process behind it. For instance, smoking weed. It’s cool to chill, relax, and connect with another side of you and other people. I don’t mind doing it and I’ll do it if I want to. But then there’s laws behind doing it, and there’s people who will instantly make a judgement on who you are, just because you smoke weed. No. Just no. It’s literally one of my biggest pet fucking peeves. I hear all the time from my dads girlfriend, and my dad (when they have their own problems) that weed is effecting my life negatively and i’m heading down a bad road.
Alright… remember how i mentioned that they have their own problems? Their life is hell and I don’t understand how my father puts up with this bitch. But I can’t be so hypocritical. I had a bitch exactly like her and there just don’t get the fuck away from you. Anyways, they get mad at me, punish me, yell at me and try to do all this shit to make me feel guilty for making a decision in my life. I’m 18, have been making my own decisions for a few years now. With only one regret in my life, and that would be dating Kristy. Now see, that would be a topic that I would love to get into but if you want to know exactly what happened and how I feel about her and my perspective on it, ask me. It is personal because yeah i did love her, do i now? No. Never will again. Sneaky Bitch. No. But do i care for her? In some extent, i wish her a better life but not with me. I just don’t want anything to do with her. Some people do know how I feel about that, but I get the feeling that no one believes me because of what i’ve done. And yeah, i’ve made my mistakes and i’ve learned a lot of lessons. I’ve had people come in and out of my life, some who stay and some who aren’t in it for a very long time. Some of that I can control, and some if it I can’t. Due to my family and well, my family in general. I do have a rather large family, but my imidiate family (Besides my brothers) all seem to just figure out a way to use me. My mom isn’t as bad as my dad. My dad’s girlfriend is why my dad is. And my dad’s girlfriend is just a bitch. Personally, my mom really is a good mom, she’s just a little lazy. And we all get lazy at times i understand. In no way am i putting my mom down i just wish she was happier, because i know that she would feel better if she was doing something more in her life. But she understands me more than my dad does. My dad tries to refrain me from doing what and I want and my mom doesn’t. That doesn’t make her a bad parent, dad. That’s makes it more comfortable for me to go to mom when I need it. With you, I get punished and ffs you’ve punched me in the face before. What is that? How does that help? I don’t understand it. Nature vs. Nurture. God I could go on and on tonight, i guess it’s been a while since i’ve written to myself, and well you tumblrs are all gunna see this. will you read it? prolly not. oh well. I will 5 years from now. Peace.